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Well, much to the chagrin of myself and others, the maliciously dark abyss has decided to spit me back out onto the sands of the sweet-smelling clime that is Dana Point.
I don't get to spend more than 20 minutes per 2 hours off my back ( use of the WC not being an exception ), so I thought I would send a love letter to each of you who gave a shit enough about me to respond to my last journal ( and even those who didn't respond but thought about me anyway ).
My word is my bond; and even though I have a horrible amount of physical therapy ahead of me, I WILL FIGHT

It will take a while, and my "art" might look like crap, but I will fight. I know many of you have been through as bad or even worse than me and have come back, so I can do it too.

                                                         I Love you all so very much!!!!!:glomp::kiss::hug:
Love is such a simple thing, it doesn't cost anything, it can't be measured or sometimes even trusted. And it seems to be the only thing I can offer all of the unforgettable people I have loved here at DA. I have not been here for many reasons, the main reason is that I don't feel like I should waste anyone's time unless I can post art. I don't know why I feel this way, I just know that I always have. I have found and have been given so many wondrous friendships here. Deviant Art has given me the precious gift of meaning and purpose, and when I am not here I fall into the deepest, most abysmal hole imaginable.
   I have been miserably sick lately, heart-sick because pain has robbed me of the only thing I have ever been good at, the only thing that has ever given me a reason to continue in the struggle that is Life. I even dream of art sometimes, the kind of bittersweet dream that is so comforting that reality is almost unbearable when I open my eyes.
   I am having yet another surgery tomorrow, and I dare not hope any more that it will help me. I am now unemployed ( temporarily, I hope ), and the future terrifies me. I wish I was stronger, but so many years of pain have corroded me to the point that I wonder if I will have anything left. Anything of my heart, of my soul, of my relationships, or of happiness itself. When I see what I have become, I wonder if it wouldn't be better if I just slipped away during the operation to sleep the endless sleep.
But I am stubborn, so very stubborn. Maybe that is a good thing, as I do look forward to spending the rest of my life ( in any condition ) with :iconrgyoung:, who recently allowed me to become her husband. I hope and pray that I will not drag her down with me; she is such a marvel and is so full of life and talent.

I am just tired, so very tired.
I am embarrassed to even write this journal, you beautiful people deserve so much more from me than this. And if I don't wake again, I will be so grateful that for a couple of incredible years I was young and strong again. I will drift happily through whatever exists after this, knowing that deviantArt, right now,
..... is giving somebody hope.
Is inspiring someone to create.
Is comforting someone whose heart is breaking under the crushing weight of loneliness.
Is making the struggle of life worthwhile.

If I do wake tomorrow, I promise you I will fight.
I will Love.
I will create something, no matter how small or silly it might seem.
Noone here has ever given up on me, and as long as I continue to wake and watch the sun arcing across the sky,
I will make my silly, bizarre contribution to DA.

Thank you all for your love, I will never be able to care for you as you have cared for me. But I will die trying, if that's what it takes.

Daveo
a.k.a. Skulpturro
A brief update in regards to my 'return' and overall condition:

I am generally tired of 'waiting until I feel better' to return to 'art' and my favorite community in all the world.
Tired of hiding in the 'video game cave' of instant gratification and stymied creativity. Tired of waiting for the Medical Cavalry that may never arrive.

For those with an insatiable hunger for morbidity ( and those who are genuinely interested ), I proffer the following:

My degenerative disc disease continues in spite of surgery ( a $110,000 'gift' from my insurance company ) and ever increasing doses of "Hospital Heroin" (hydromorphone), Methadone, Oxycodone, and Neurontin.

Surprisingly, one of the few things to bring complete pain relief (no small feat), if not for a short period of time, is good old Marijuana.

Obviously, side effects from all of the aforementioned chemicals prevent me from driving; so working is becoming a big problem.

I can't continue to stay long term in the O.C. on state disability payments, so my options are steadily evaporating.

My doctor is already talking permanent disability, and I am beginning to agree with him.

After All, the parking spaces are VERY nice.

Thank you for your ears and unending support, I am back ( no pun intended ) because I need the love and inspiration that only DA can provide :heart:
  • Listening to: "my Little Box" - Gabriel Mann
  • Reading: Harry Potter Series
  • Watching: the Bank Job & Millions
  • Eating: Dreyer's
  • Drinking: not a drop - seriously
I truly hope this doesn't sound tooo whiny, just felt an explanation was owed as to why I'm not "putting out" like I have in the past....

  I have 2 compressed, ruptured discs in my spine which have been progressively inflicting pain upon me over the last two years. What started out as nasty sciatica has progressed to pain that makes it virtually impossible to stand or walk for more than 5 minutes. *Sleeping is still ok - but pretty depressing when done in large stretches...
  The treatment my doctor has involved me in has included spinal injections and progressively stronger narcotics. I pray (and may beg for, if needed) surgery in the current year, depending upon my ability to juggle one of the most addictive prescription drugs (Dilaudid) with working 40 hours / week.

So.....I've been burying my head in video games (you know which one), struggling with painful, regular withdrawal, and hanging my head in front of photoshop in despair.

But I'm determined to get back to doing what I did before - just may take me a little time :)
  • Listening to: Dosh
  • Reading: Baxter
  • Watching: Ninja Scrolls
  • Eating: Ben & Jerry's
I'd like to thank everyone for the outpouring of kindness in regards to my latest portrait posting             
skulpturro.deviantart.com/art/…

Credit where credit is due ---------->>> :iconrgyoung: for tremendous photographic competence

That is one of only 2 photos of me taken in the last 25 years, so to say I was a bit trepidatious is an understatement.

I hope I didn't frighten or disappoint anyone with my advanced state of long-toothedness,

I owe you all for your patience and not-laughing-out-loud-edness.

:hug: :hug: to everyone!!!!
  • Listening to: Vampire Weekend
  • Reading: Abarat
  • Watching: The Orphanage
  • Playing: WoWnoMore
  • Eating: XLNT Tamales
Sorry about the Journal Hijinks earlier today, as I did not realize  " ..... " in a journal heading actually had meaning :lol:

I was merely trying to remove the journal space on my user page entirely; a feat, as I now understand it, completely impossible to accomplish.

Anyhoo....to make up for it, a sunny snapshot of the next beastie waiting in the wings.

fc01.deviantart.com/fs30/f/200…


Sure, he's relaxing with 8 Margaritas now, but I will be putting him through his paces soon enough.
  • Listening to: Cannibal - Static X
  • Reading: Photoshop Manual AGAIN
  • Watching: The Last Year pass before my eyes
  • Playing: NOTHING - back to contributing to DA
  • Eating: Fistfuls of Cashews
  • Drinking: On the Wagon for Good
"This is not my Life"

"This is not my Home"

"This is not me"

"I HATE THIS"

*Wayne Static

That pretty much describes where I found myself recently after spending over a year, 6 - 12 hours a day playing the rediculously addictive "World of Warcraft".

Sheesh, am I going to ever grow up, or what?

I have cut myself off and returned to the only place in the universe I am really comfortable, right here at DA.

Still not exactly the real world, but the non-virtual community and I will never be on speaking terms, methinks.

Hope I can scrape together something entertaining visually for you guys and myself soon.

Have to figure out how this WACOM thingy works all over again.

:)
  • Listening to: Black Parade - MCR
  • Reading: My Camera's Owners' Manual
  • Watching: the NBA on my crappy 30 -year-old TV
  • Playing: LOTR - BFME
  • Eating: My Own Head 'til I get to the bony center
  • Drinking: Until I pass out, each and every night
In spite of my better judgment (or maybe in agreement with it - who knows, I'm weird twisted like that), I heretofor direct the most exquisitely bored among you to my TOTALLY CONVENTIONAL photography page.

   :iconspeciata:

Laugh with me, Cry with me, Spit on Me if you must, but give me a look-see if you would be so kind.



                              

Paint!!!

Sat Jul 29, 2006, 12:02 PM
Colors / photographic advice from the Lovely and Mutually Sick of the Damn Heat and Humidity

:iconrgyoung:

In a completely non-related story, my non-air conditioned car decided that I wasn't suffering enough, so it broke down on the freeway two days ago.
They still haven't figured out how do fix it, and until they do, I get to drive a non-air conditioned car who's driver's-side window won't roll down.

GOOD FREAKIN" TIMES  :crazy:

  • Listening to: I'm
  • Reading: So Tired
  • Watching: Of this damn heat and humidity

Make Me Do Stuff

Tue Jul 25, 2006, 2:46 PM
:spank: Decide How I will Spend my August

If you completely bottomed out of things to do this afternoon, would you mind suggesting a deviation from my gallery for me to sculpt?

I would be ever so grateful.

'Palindromes'

Wed May 3, 2006, 9:56 AM
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Have you ever walked through a spiderweb and felt pieces of it on your face and in your hair the rest of the day?
Have you ever spent 30 minutes on Rotten.com or (far worse) Ogrish.com?

Then you have an idea of where my stomach is at after viewing the 2005 film "Palindromes" last night. I have never seen a film with a higher 'squirm factor'. I literally had to cover my eyes twice, and I can't really articulate why.

Suffice it to say that I was impacted for good or for worse, rent a copy if you dare. I know my description of the film is vague, think of the film "May" with less gore and far more religious overtones and a dash of "Freaks" and "Big Fish"

Yikes.

Devious Journal Entry

Sat Jan 28, 2006, 10:16 PM
Website Alert

A little update for those of you having trouble sleeping or like me, procrastinating doing something important (like art, for example)

More pages to come, still a long way to go................

I shot a whole bunch of photos today for my next deviation, and all I'll say about it is to expect to see seven pounds of RAW MEAT, a child's toy, and no bones or skulls of any kind

Hope you get to sleep soon after reading this, because you do have to get up and go to work / school tomorrow.

Wait...........that advice was for me :(

Main Menu + new portal and pages.........................

homepage


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Devious Journal Entry

Mon Sep 12, 2005, 5:54 PM
Bunny Mummy Update

Woe is Me.

A little brown cloud hovers over our apartment today as we mourn the passing (sic) of the infamous bunny mummy.

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His meteoric rise to fame was cut short yesterday as it was discovered that his recent diappearance from his favorite ocean-view perch on our patio was NOT due to a tawdry romp down the coast of Mexico (as was presumed by his agent). After finding bits of teeth and fur on our dog's favorite porch mat, I reconstructed what is believed to have been his final 'appearance' and what might have been his last words.

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He will be missed, his persona was magnetic, his aura ......um......fetid.

I Blame Myself. I had noticed a sly relationship developing between our beloved porch pets, but I never imagined the lengths Lucy would go to keep Bunny close to her heart.
Well, the last glimpse we had of our wizened wabbit was a solitary ear, staring up blearily at us through Lucy's.....um.......uh..........you know......her.......'deposit'.

:puke:  :puke:  :puke:  :puke:  :puke:  :puke:  :puke:  :puke:  :puke:  :puke:  :puke:  :puke:

Devious Journal Entry

Sun Jul 17, 2005, 9:57 AM
San Diego Comicon 2005

My first Comic Convention, attended with :iconrgyoung:

One day of heaven, one day of hell

Two days I had to work after that :(

Anybody go? It would have been impossible for me to notice any of you in the crowd of 2.6 billion attendees ;)

Favorite artists/actors pictured (badly) below.
Clive Barker was irrepressable, Bruce Campbell just kicked ass!

Next time we stay in a hotel, parking was $10 on day one, $40 on day two (oops, I was supposed to get my ticket validated?)

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Skulpturro - Stripper Extraordinaire

Sun Jul 17, 2005, 9:26 AM
Gory Pics

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Just calm down. Noone wants me to take it all off - there are simply not enough barf bags available locally.
What I'm referring to is a collection of horrific photos depicting a coyote that :iconrgyoung: and I found by the roadside over the weekend. I will caution you strongly, these are photos of us skinning a 35 pound animal. They are certainly not for everyone, obstain if you are the least bit faint hearted.
For the rest of you, this ordeal took about 3 hours, and was performed on a roadkill animal that was actually still warm near it's core. I am now in the process of reducing it to a skeleton (big surprise, I know).
On a medical note, the coyote sustained a compound fracture of the right femur, rib separation, and massive internal bleeding. Cause of death - duh! :)

Edit: A ZIP file of several in-process skinning photos is now available in scraps :)

Easter Tomfoolery!!

Sun Mar 27, 2005, 1:04 AM
Birthday Fun

Birthday Cake...............................................................................$20.00
Birthday Gift..................................................................................$40.00
Flesh-Colored Cockstraw...................................................................$.50
Watching your Mom suck down a 7-Up, oblivious to the fact that
she has been given a straw with a little rubber
dildo on the business end of it..........................................................Priceless

Some might think that I am unnecesssarily cruel to my mother and irresponsible in my depiction of my Mother on her 76th birthday..............


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The Ocean

Mon Feb 28, 2005, 11:21 PM
What in the Hell is this THING?

Found this, like everything else, spewn upon the rocks. Logically, it occurred to me that this was obviously meant for my next deviation. So into my quaint little workshop I went, and after several days of arc welding, pile-driving, and laser surgery, I had a little man with a beach trash head. :w00t:

Strange factoid: I don't like the smell of turpentine, so I used cologne to clean my little puppet after painting. He's not much to look at, but DAAAAAMN he smells fine ;)



What's Left?

Mon Jan 10, 2005, 9:08 AM
Stick a Fork in Me

the Fat Lady has sung. The 'E' light is on. It's all zeroes again on my Odometer.
Not to be overly dramatic, but my right hand is officially out of gas.
After struggling silently with my wrist, arm, and right hand for several years now, I can barely hold a steering wheel or a pencil. There are a million and one ways I could have taken better care of myself, I just never thought it would come to this.
Why a journal after all this time?
Just didn't want anyone to think I had suddenly lost my mind completely; and that might be the suspicion of some should I start posting left-handed stuff. It may take a long time to teach my left hand to do the basics; I have no idea how long.
I just don't want to dump a bunch of artistic crap on you good people without explanation.
BTW for the love of God, take breaks from your computers if you can't feel most of your fingers; apparently this problem can happen to anyone!

I love you All

As always, Love to :iconrgyoung: for keeping my head above the water and the carving knife away from my left thumb ;)