skulpturro

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

  Friedrich Nietzsche

Thanks, Friedrich. I really believe that maxim.

And go figure, it killed me.

Dead.

Constant pain, prescription drug addiction and all of the hell one must go through to manage it. In the face of all of these factors, I thought it might strengthen me through the roof.

Nope.


That brings me to the ultimate condition, death. It sounded great in the brochure, but it was the details that destroyed me. 

Unless......you are just dying to 'live on' as a freeze-dried stinky cat mummy.  You heard me, a freakin' CAT!!!  Would it have killed the big guy upstairs to start me off ( on another great journey, I'm sure ) as Anubis? 

I guess it could be worse; I've got some REAL freaks to introduce you to. And perhaps the most lonely-disgusting house ever. 

So stay tuned; I'll slink around the 'neighborhood' and show you the works.

I know what you're saying - I hung around 5 years for this?

Well, much to the chagrin of myself and others, the maliciously dark abyss has decided to spit me back out onto the sands of the sweet-smelling clime that is Dana Point.
I don't get to spend more than 20 minutes per 2 hours off my back ( use of the WC not being an exception ), so I thought I would send a love letter to each of you who gave a shit enough about me to respond to my last journal ( and even those who didn't respond but thought about me anyway ).
My word is my bond; and even though I have a horrible amount of physical therapy ahead of me, I WILL FIGHT

It will take a while, and my "art" might look like crap, but I will fight. I know many of you have been through as bad or even worse than me and have come back, so I can do it too.

                                                         I Love you all so very much!!!!!

Love is such a simple thing, it doesn't cost anything, it can't be measured or sometimes even trusted. And it seems to be the only thing I can offer all of the unforgettable people I have loved here at DA. I have not been here for many reasons, the main reason is that I don't feel like I should waste anyone's time unless I can post art. I don't know why I feel this way, I just know that I always have. I have found and have been given so many wondrous friendships here. Deviant Art has given me the precious gift of meaning and purpose, and when I am not here I fall into the deepest, most abysmal hole imaginable.
   I have been miserably sick lately, heart-sick because pain has robbed me of the only thing I have ever been good at, the only thing that has ever given me a reason to continue in the struggle that is Life. I even dream of art sometimes, the kind of bittersweet dream that is so comforting that reality is almost unbearable when I open my eyes.
   I am having yet another surgery tomorrow, and I dare not hope any more that it will help me. I am now unemployed ( temporarily, I hope ), and the future terrifies me. I wish I was stronger, but so many years of pain have corroded me to the point that I wonder if I will have anything left. Anything of my heart, of my soul, of my relationships, or of happiness itself. When I see what I have become, I wonder if it wouldn't be better if I just slipped away during the operation to sleep the endless sleep.
But I am stubborn, so very stubborn. Maybe that is a good thing, as I do look forward to spending the rest of my life ( in any condition ) with , who recently allowed me to become her husband. I hope and pray that I will not drag her down with me; she is such a marvel and is so full of life and talent.

I am just tired, so very tired.
I am embarrassed to even write this journal, you beautiful people deserve so much more from me than this. And if I don't wake again, I will be so grateful that for a couple of incredible years I was young and strong again. I will drift happily through whatever exists after this, knowing that deviantArt, right now,
..... is giving somebody hope.
Is inspiring someone to create.
Is comforting someone whose heart is breaking under the crushing weight of loneliness.
Is making the struggle of life worthwhile.

If I do wake tomorrow, I promise you I will fight.
I will Love.
I will create something, no matter how small or silly it might seem.
Noone here has ever given up on me, and as long as I continue to wake and watch the sun arcing across the sky,
I will make my silly, bizarre contribution to DA.

Thank you all for your love, I will never be able to care for you as you have cared for me. But I will die trying, if that's what it takes.

Daveo
a.k.a. Skulpturro

A brief update in regards to my 'return' and overall condition:

I am generally tired of 'waiting until I feel better' to return to 'art' and my favorite community in all the world.
Tired of hiding in the 'video game cave' of instant gratification and stymied creativity. Tired of waiting for the Medical Cavalry that may never arrive.

For those with an insatiable hunger for morbidity ( and those who are genuinely interested ), I proffer the following:

My degenerative disc disease continues in spite of surgery ( a $110,000 'gift' from my insurance company ) and ever increasing doses of "Hospital Heroin" (hydromorphone), Methadone, Oxycodone, and Neurontin.

Surprisingly, one of the few things to bring complete pain relief (no small feat), if not for a short period of time, is good old Marijuana.

Obviously, side effects from all of the aforementioned chemicals prevent me from driving; so working is becoming a big problem.

I can't continue to stay long term in the O.C. on state disability payments, so my options are steadily evaporating.

My doctor is already talking permanent disability, and I am beginning to agree with him.

After All, the parking spaces are VERY nice.

Thank you for your ears and unending support, I am back ( no pun intended ) because I need the love and inspiration that only DA can provide

I truly hope this doesn't sound tooo whiny, just felt an explanation was owed as to why I'm not "putting out" like I have in the past....

  I have 2 compressed, ruptured discs in my spine which have been progressively inflicting pain upon me over the last two years. What started out as nasty sciatica has progressed to pain that makes it virtually impossible to stand or walk for more than 5 minutes. *Sleeping is still ok - but pretty depressing when done in large stretches...
  The treatment my doctor has involved me in has included spinal injections and progressively stronger narcotics. I pray (and may beg for, if needed) surgery in the current year, depending upon my ability to juggle one of the most addictive prescription drugs (Dilaudid) with working 40 hours / week.

So.....I've been burying my head in video games (you know which one), struggling with painful, regular withdrawal, and hanging my head in front of photoshop in despair.

But I'm determined to get back to doing what I did before - just may take me a little time